Thursday, 15 February 1990 11:10 P.M.

I am a loner. I actually prefer being alone. I work better when I’m alone, and I pray it’s not for me when the phone rings. I don’t know why this is, but it is. My best time is at night, because the house is so quiet I feel alone. Once when I had the house to myself for the weekend, I felt more energetic than I had in a long time. I did the dishes and cleaned the house some, but the most amazing part was that I cleaned Susie’s room. She had stuff piled nearly a foot high (honestly) with no floor showing. I sat in there for hours straight, happily working right up until they got home from Dolly’s. I love to read and think. But don’t misunderstand me; I also love my family and friends. Nearly every night I thank Jesus for them. I used to be the shyest kid around but, although I’m still a bit shy, now I have a much greater self-esteem. Once where I used to let anyone make fun of me, I now have a toughness that has kept me from being ridiculed for the longest time. I think people can sense I won’t take anything from anybody. I am what you might call a self-absorbed person. I know it’s a flaw, and it makes me feel guilty; but I tend to wear the attitude that the world revolves around me. I am a Jefferson High tutor, so the principal sent me a letter of appreciation. I laughed out loud when I read it, because it said that I had avoided the stereotype of today’s youth: lazy, irresponsible, and self-centered. Funny, but those are the exact words I use to describe myself. Of course, the principal couldn’t be expected to know that; after all, he wouldn’t recognize me if I wore my name in neon on a hat. Everyone was hoping tomorrow would be a snow day, so we could stay home from school. I hope against hope that it is, too, but I doubt it. By the way, you’ve probably noticed that I don’t use paragraphs. The simple reason is that it saves room. I like to use the whole line. I’m getting so tired my eyes are shut almost as much as they are open. You want to hear something amazing? I don’t quite understand it myself. I live in a time when everyone swears, especially high school kids. Yet I refuse to swear. I haven’t for years, and even then never intentionally. It might’ve just slipped out by accident once every few years. Even my mom swears all the time, even on Sunday. And here I am, feeling as though I’d be committing the worst sin possible if I said one bad word. I think maybe I was told something very terrible would happen if I swore – when I was a little kid – and it stuck in my subconscious. It’s getting closer to midnight, and I have school tomorrow. The other day I set a record for getting up late. I woke up, and ten minutes later was riding on the school bus. Somehow, in that time, I managed to get dressed, do my hair, get my candy bars together – as well as my books, – go to the bus stop, and head toward school, all in the span of 10 minutes. Not very wise. I usually have lengthy, interesting dreams with plots, and when morning comes I hate to cut them off. Because I know I won’t remember them later. It’s 8 minutes to midnight, so I’d better say good night. Good night!

8 January 1990

It’s been over a year. I’m 18 years old. I have a little over a semester of school left before I graduate. In the summer I’ll spend 26 days in Spain. Then I’ll attend the university and study Elementary Education. I’ll become a grade-school teacher and marry sometime after graduation. I don’t know when yet because I haven’t met my fiancé yet, that I’m aware of. I would like to have kids and pets. I wonder if I will die before any of this happens. I’ll be flying to Spain, and the planes haven’t been working very well lately. They keep crashing or losing engines, sometimes both. All I ask is that I’m a good Christian when I do die. I definitely would not like to be put on a life-support system unless there’s a chance that someday I’ll be off it, or if God somehow suggests that I be put on one. Nurse is a very sick cat. Her gray hair is thin in spots, she has heavy dandruff (I hope that’s all it is), and she has hanging folds of fat. She is extremely old – 16 human years. She often throws up and never does more than walk slowly (unless she’s in grave danger). She usually sleeps in my room, but she has to stay out for a few days while I investigate why it smells like she pooped in here. I haven’t been doing so hot myself. Today was the first day back to school since Christmas vacation. I usually get to bed late and sleep during classes. Right now it’s 12:02 A.M. My room’s getting messy and I’m getting very lazy. I have to start doing housework. My muscles are becoming weak. I rarely do my homework at home. And there’s so much I have to do to prepare for Spain and college, I’m afraid I’ll be too ashamed of myself to marry. I haven’t been raised with the best habits and I’m not exactly pretty. On the other hand, I’m trying to do more things to improve my appearance, and hopefully I’ll remember this time to exercise, do my homework, and clean my room. I have to start acting like an adult. Barbara and Bob’s new baby is due the end of February, next month. They’re looking for a larger house than the one next door. Sarah was in her first Christmas program at their church. We (us kids) didn’t know until we were on our way to St. Bart’s for church. We all but made our mom go off on the highway and head for their church. As usual, she was adorable. We all have to be careful not to spoil her because almost everything she says is repeated and almost everything she does is talked about. Barbara and Bob were rather lucky they got such a well-behaved kid for their first child. She was never all that sloppy, and even though she does disobey sometimes and cries when things aren’t always the way she’d like them, she never was one of those terrible two-year-olds who got into everything and drove everyone crazy. She did color on the living room wall once, and got into my room while no one was looking; she smeared lipstick (“butter” she used to call it) all over her face and cut her finger with a razor blade. She once fell down the stairs almost from the top. She’s usually quiet around new people and when she’s in certain moods. She can stand there and stare at you silently as though she’s humoring you. Right now she’s really into London Bridges and Ring Around the Rosy. Mom and Debbie are becoming really concerned about Susie lately. I guess she’s been having nightmares. Debbie thinks she should see a psychiatrist but Mom can’t afford one. Joey gets violent all the time and Angie’s always sarcastically cruel to Joey. Sarah usually can’t come over because of the bad example we set. I always thank God for the family I have, but now that reality’s setting in, it gets depressing sometimes. I am so often thoughtless and self-centered, not thinking of others. I’m also what some would call a recluse. I stay at home almost all the time. I leave for school, babysitting, and every couple of weeks, shopping. I next to never go out with friends, or for social events. And the only person I regularly talk to on the phone is Denice, and usually she’s the one to call me. I’ve got to make some changes in my life, but once I start, it usually only lasts for a short while, then dies away. For example, a diary. Every so often, I say I’ll write in a diary. It’ll last for a few days, then I’ll forget and start a new one a few months later. Life is moving too fast. I’m no longer a carefree child, able to ignore important things. I no longer see myself, my family, my life, through just my eyes. I’m beginning to see it from the world’s. What used to be normal seems extremely abnormal and sometimes disgusting. All those times I’ve felt beautiful, yet people seemed to be humoring me. Now I know why. I probably seemed a very disillusioned child, one who should be protected. I wonder if I still am. I know I still am to some people. It’s now a quarter to one in the morning and with school and unfinished homework tomorrow, I’d better get to sleep. That’s another thing I never get right. Some nights I get as little as a few hours of sleep, and some nights I sleep on into nearly the afternoon. Very irregular. I can’t promise when I’ll write again, but maybe next time I won’t write so much.

-Jolie

By the way, I had a very nice Christmas, lots of great presents. I babysat all vacation, weekdays as well as weekends. I even babysat for the Rogers’ New Year’s Eve, but I called home at midnight to wish everyone a happy new year. I do hope it will be happy.

1 January 1990 12:24 A

So far I have spent 24 minutes of the new day, new month, new year, and new decade babysitting at the Rogers’. I’m sure I’ll be here for a couple hours more, but sometime today I must remember to write my new resolutions, begin my new resolutions, and write a small report – if you will – on last year’s resolutions. I have a feeling many of last year’s resolutions will be this year’s as well. Added to them may be finding new words in the dictionary, writing in my bible journal, and writing to other people.

Sincerely,

Last year’s Jolie (12:34 A)

Friday, 21 July 1989 1:20 A

I heard the most wonderful thing today! I had got home from babysitting a little before midnight, but what I’m talking about happened just before I went babysitting. It was just a few minutes to six P.M. and I was sitting in the living room talking with Barbara and Sarah. Then Barbara said something terrific; she said I was going to be an aunt again. I’m very happy about it! For some reason I had been thinking about that the last couple of days, too. Just a day or 2 before I was thinking how this would be the time to have a 2nd kid & I was wondering if they would soon. So I was a little bit expecting it. Even more amazing was I remembered a dream I had had when Sarah was a tiny baby. I dreamed that Barbara & Bob had 2 kids; a little girl about 2 or 3 and a baby boy. Much more recently – just the other night – I’d dreamed I was babysitting just next door and I had to go home for something. I took the older child – a girl of about 3 – and left the baby just learning to walk there, thinking I’d be right back. Now, in real life, I wouldn’t dream of leaving a child in the house by itself. Back to the dream; when I got back to the house, there was smoke coming out of the bottom of the door. An immediate & terrifying fear shot threw me. In the few seconds it took me to get to the door & into the house, I imagined several terrible things that could’ve happened. As it turns out, the baby was fine; the smoke was caused by something in the oven which was rapidly becoming well-done. Realizing the potential danger of leaving a toddler and a hot oven together alone made for more terrifying thoughts. Anyway, it was just a dream so no harm done.

1:46 A

Now I’m going to sleep so maybe I can catch Ed Grimley’s Completely Mental Misadventures “I must say.” Good Night! (Talk about sloppy writing!)

 

Saturday, 31 June 1989 4:47 P

Right now we’re getting ready to go to Springfield. I’m taking a break to write this while Dolly is dressing & Patti is taking a shower.

Thursday, 29 June 1989 5:16 P

To continue with my story, we stayed up all night playing UNO, playing video games, watching T.V., exercising, and going for late-night walks. In the end, we wound up falling asleep on the couch with the T.V. on at about 5:30. Dolly woke us up at about 6:15 to ask us about the bags. When she left, we hung around the house a little longer, taking showers & exercising. A little later, we walked with Patti’s bike to the mall, but it wasn’t going to open until 9:00, so we hung around in the mall’s laundromat, the only thing open there.

around 11:00 P

What we planned to do was buy a bike on sale, pay $5 to have this kid put it together, then bike home to pick up our bags & head for Dawn’s. Unfortunately, the kid wouldn’t get there until 4:00, but that didn’t make any difference because they were out of the bikes on sale. We ended up walking home with the bike. Before we got home, though, we passed an old-looking cemetery and I convinced Patti to stop there. We parked the bike a little way in and wandered off in separate directions to read the old tombstones. Just being in the cemetery gave you a sense of mystery and adventure. Nobody had been buried in over 30 years and most were from the 1800’s. It was just like the kind you see in scary movies, with the tombstones tilted to the side, some large monuments, most too worn to read, some half-buried, and some were stacked up or leaning against others. It was really eerie, even in the daytime. There were a bunch of kids playing nearby in their backyard, and you could just imagine all the adventures they would have there and the memories they would make. They had a little, white, scruffy dog that kept following us around, barking at us. You could tell he was really scared of us because he kept at least 5 feet away and would jump back if we moved in his direction. He added to the mystery, because it seemed as though he was protecting the spirits by trying to scare us away. Eventually we left and continued toward the downtown area. When we got there we stopped at the animal shelter. There was a small collie with his front paw & leg in what looked like a cast. Apparently he decided it would be fun to chase a lawn mower.

2:15 A

I just finished writing a letter to Raul, a hispanic guy whose a friend of Trevor’s, Patti’s boyfriend. I wrote it in all Spanish to see if he can translate it. Patti got out her camera & took a really cool picture of me without my glasses, then I took one of her with a small water gun. Her hair looked a really cool shade of red & really nice.

Anyway, at the animal shelter Patti adopted a furry white kitten with grey on top of her head. We couldn’t decide between Princess or Sugar.

 

Wednesday, 28 June 1989 5:10 P

I’m having a great time! Last night Patti & I decided that we’d bike 14 miles to her friend Dawn’s house in the morning. And since it was already about midnight & we’re terrible at waking up early, we decided to stay up all night until we leave. So, while Dolly was asleep, we hunted up a couple of small duffle bags in the garage and filled them with a large container of water, a thermos of chicken alphabet soup, band-aids, medicine for bug bites, & sandwich bags of rice-crispy bars we made yesterday.

Monday, 26 June 1989 10:58 A

I’ve got some interesting things to tell you. One of them is that about 11:00 last night the family left for home, after they debated whether to spend the night at Dolly & Patti’s and leave early in the morning. But, since none of us are such early risers as to wake up at 5:30 A.M. they decided to go home last night & arrive home at about 2:00 in the morning. Only when they left, they left me behind. At the last minute, with everyone in the car except me, Patti & I decided that it’d be fun to have me stay with them, but just for the week. Next weekend they were planning on going to see us in Springfield, anyway.

Another exciting thing that happened for me was my mom let me drive all the way from Gladys’s house in Franklin to Dolly’s in Clayton, which is about a 45-60 minute drive. I drove yesterday afternoon, with Mom next to me & the kids behind me. I was terrified (well, not quite) that I’d screw something up & get us all in an accident. Mom kept complaining that I drove too close to the side of the road, but I don’t like to drive right next to the yellow line with cars going 60 mph in the opposite direction doing the same thing.

11:25 A

At the same time I was driving, Joey (whom we picked up at Dale & Nancy’s), Susie, & Angie were fighting over the radio very loudly. First, “Like a Prayer” by Madonna was playing and Joey & Susie were singing along. So Angie started arguing with Joey, saying he shouldn’t sing that song because it was evil.

 

Saturday, 24 June 1989 11:37 A

Right now I’m in our station wagon, which is why my writing is sloppy. I’m in the front seat with Mom driving; Angie & Susie are in the back. We’re heading for Clayton. Susie’s just finishing a story I wrote, a children’s story. Now she handed it back, saying it’s “nice.” There goes that story. The sky has that strange look to it, like the clouds are much closer than they are. Then there’re the clouds in the distance that have distinct outlines, that look almost as though they’re cartoons. And farther up in the sky, above the cottonball clouds, are those thin, wispy clouds that look like someone took a rubber spatula and smeared them around. I love 50’s music, like “Love is Strange” by Silvia & Mickey. And I love the Monkees. They were a little before my music-loving years for me to have gone to concerts & things, but I love to watch their show on TV. I also love houses. I like to see unique architectural features. It’s getting harder to write.

4:22 P

We’re at Dolly’s now, but in about an hour we’ll be leaving for Franklin. There we’ll visit Gladys & go to some fair. When we got here, Patti’s friend Dawn answered the door. Patti & Dolly had gone shopping. Now Angie & Susie are playing Pac-Man on Atari. I’m not very good. Their house is air-conditioned, which I love.

 

Friday, 16 June 1989 2:43 P

I got back 10 minutes ago from picking up Tony & Addie. I said Joey could come along since Tony’s his friend, but I’m not sure I’ll let him come next time. I’ve had my license for 13 months now, but I’ve only driven a few times until recently, when I was elected to pick up the Elkos’ kids from camp. I used to be real uneasy about driving, but after picking up Addie the first day (2 days ago) by myself without an adult in the seat next to me, I feel much more confident. Angie, Barbara, & Bob are leaving right now for Payless because Angie went & bought a pair of shoes with 2 different sizes. I’m babysitting Sarah who’s taking her nap. Tomorrow me & Angie are going to help serve drinks & things at a wedding with Angie’s friend Ashley. The wedding is for someone we’ve never met, the daughter of our bus driver. Darlene, the bus driver, asked us 3 at the end of the school year.

3:06 P

Have you ever read the ‘Novels of the Month’ in the Good Housekeeping magazine? I think they’re good! I used to read them almost every day the last 2 summers while I was babysitting for Jordan. He would be gone almost the whole time, so I’d have hours to myself & cable got boring sometimes. I made a couple stupid mistakes while babysitting for him since he’s only a few years younger & I’m very influential. Sometimes I hate being influential, but hopefully I’m improving. I used to be very stubborn, according to my father. I remember him telling me I was as stubborn as a mule when I was in 5th & 6th grade. I was a terrible tomboy until around 9th grade. Practically my best friends were my brother Joey & my cousin Ricky. We would climb trees, go on hikes, & bother my sisters & female cousins. It seems to amaze my aunts how much I’ve changed.

3:18 P

I used to be a really ugly kid. I looked like a boy, had those big dark-brown freckles all over my face, and got ugly brown glasses when I was about 9 years old. For this reason, along with the facts that our family was poor and we moved every two years, I was picked on a lot by kids. I don’t remember it bothering me too much, because I used to spend a lot of my time by myself. I’d play games pretending I had friends with me if I felt like it, usually boy friends. I played a lot of Barbies, but what I really liked were little inch-tall to 2-inch figurines. I loved building little homes and imagining what it would be like to be them and sleep in a little cave made by a bump in a blanket. I treated them like they were alive, making sure they weren’t alone before I went to bed. It was the same way with my dolls. Me & Angie would take our dolls and give them complete care treatments: shampooing & conditioning their hair; blow-drying it; curling, styling, & sometimes trimming their hair; massaging their bodies & putting lotions & powders on them; sometimes doing their faces & nails; and dressing them in their most stylish clothes. The whole time we did this, we pretended we were a beauty salon and took turns bringing our children in so they would look good before their concerts or appearances on TV. We would talk to them while we massaged, listening to them chatter enthusiastically about day-care & how they’re geniuses at the ages of 2 and 3. My favorite doll, Timmy, was the only boy doll I had. He was like my real baby. I loved him. I remember one fourth of July when my family were going to go to Lincoln Park to see the fireworks. I told Timmy & I knew he really wanted to go. It would be a terrible thing to make him stay home and besides, I felt I would have more fun if I shared the thrill of watching colorful lights explode in the black sky with him. I must’ve been about 13 at the time, so I hid him in my coat and let him peek out to watch the world go by as we drove to the park. I think the most thrilling part was being the only person to know he was there. It was like we were the only two people there as I turned to him and asked him if he was having fun. Even though it was my voice that answered me, it didn’t make him seem any less real. We shared a lot of intimate moments like that one. I kissed him goodbye and told him to be careful of strangers when I went somewhere. Of course, I would do the same with my other dolls, but he was always my favorite. I can’t remember exactly what happened to him, but I remember somehow he was chewed up by my dog. I felt terrible about leaving him outside. I’m not sure what I did with the remains. Maybe they got mixed in our garbage and were burned. When I was younger, like in 3rd grade, I used to carry a couple of my little figurines with me almost everywhere I went. I would take them on bike-rides & walks. I used to pretend I had found them and was the only human they could trust. I had to keep them hidden at all times from other people because they would put them in the circus or something. I loved finding different figurines amongst the piled-up clutter called our playroom. And I loved finding furniture for them so I could build them a terrific home on the stairs, under the coffee table, or amongst the books in the book shelves. I had toilets, bridges, beds, stoves, drawers, even some dishes and food. What we didn’t have, we made with blocks, kleenexes, and pictures from magazines to glue against the walls of some of our homemade cardboard-box houses. Often I’d play with Angie. One time, when we’d collected a very impressingly large amount of figurines & furniture, we were climbing around in our cluttered garage and came across a display for Timex Watches. It was round, had 4 or 5 shelves, and was protected by a clear plastic shield that went all the way around it. There was a door in the clear shield, so people could put the watches on the shelves. The best part was that when we plugged it in, it lit up and slowly began to revolve around, so people could view the watches better. We knew it must’ve came from our mom’s store, which she had while we lived in Oaktown. We only lived there 2 years, so it was very temporary. Anyway, me & Angie took the display to a work table & cleared a space for it. We plugged it in and, as it revolved, we built a house with 4 stories. Each floor had walls and a ceiling, and was lit! When we got all the furniture in it, it looked magical. It was enough to make anyone wish they were tiny just so they could live there. As the rooms slowly revolved, it was like peeping through someone’s living room window on Christmas night when everything is homey and you can sense peace in the air. Of course, to keep up interest, we would often redecorate our dream home, putting the bathroom with its tub, sink, and toilet on the ground floor or give Megan the lounge chair for her bedroom instead of Tommy. I don’t remember when we stopped playing with it or where it is. Perhaps it’s still buried in the garage somewhere. And we no longer have that gigantic cardboard box in the playroom filled with tiny toys, each with its own adventures, each with its own tale to tell. In fact, the playroom is now a laundry & storage room, without any toys in it. I don’t even know where all our magnificent figurines and their little pieces of furniture went to.

4:58 P

Now I’m 17 & 1/2, and am thinking about the college I’m going to go to. I take the valuable & advanced classes in school and have plans to go to Spain next summer. I’m selling candy bars in school next year, as I did at the end of this year, to raise money for the trip. When I first started out writing about my childhood a few pages ago, it was with the intent to explain a little why I am the way I am, but I got a bit nostalgic – as I often do – and started reminiscing. Because I spent so much time by myself as a kid, I consider myself self-centered and inconsiderate. I am often in my own world, talking to myself in my head.

I just got done dialling for 5 minutes, trying to reach a local radio station to answer a trivia question. The question was: What kind of food substance was invented 99 years ago as a protein source for elderly people who couldn’t chew meat? The answer was: peanut butter. I knew the answer, but I couldn’t get in in time because Barbara & Bob’s phone is strange & it doesn’t have an automatic ‘redial’ button like ours does. And I could’ve gotten a free dinner at a good restaurant, too.

5:48 P

Sarah woke up from her nap a little while ago. Her diaper had leaked, & there was poop on her sheet. Oops! Sarah just sprayed 3 decks of cards all over the floor. Now I’m sorting them out to see if they’re all here.