Blog from the 80s and 90s
DREAM CATCHER
Shadows circle above me as I roll over, restless.
I stand topless in the men’s bathroom, waiting to use the sink.
Big bird chases the Flintstones and me down an empty highway.
I cry on Danny DeVito’s shoulder in a dark classroom.
A mouse on a leash is run over carelessly.
My foot explodes like an overused lightbulb.
My heart wakes me and I shake out the dream catcher with desperation.
THE BOY WITH THE DREAM
“Once there was a little boy,” my grandfather began as us children gathered round, “who wanted more than anything to be able to fly. Oh, the dreams he had! He would fly up, up, above the treetops, and look down on all the little children playing in little yards by little houses…”
“He didn’t really, did he, Grampa?”
“No, Janie, he’s dreaming. Where was I? Oh, yes. The little boy tried everything he could think of to fly. He tried flapping his arms, jumping up into the air, even whistling like the birds do! But still he couldn’t fly.
“As the boy got older, he studied the birds as they flew by. He looked at the shape of their wings, and the way they moved when they were going up and when they were going down. He found a big cardboard box and cut out two great big wings. He even took all the feathers from his pillow and glued them on, just in case it was the feathers that made the birds fly. Then he put on his wings and flapped and flapped.
“But still he couldn’t fly. When his parents saw what he had done to his pillow, he had to clean it all up and put his wings away. He forgot all about them until he was much older, when he began to think about cars. He thought about how cars need engines to move. He thought about how he wanted to fly as fast as a car through the sky. And he thought about how an engine could help him fly.
“So the boy took the engine from a lawn mower and attached it to his wings. He pulled the cord and Vvruumm! he started moving! But all he did was spin round and round in circles, until it ran out of gas. Well, of course the boy was very disappointed. He vowed never to have anything more to do with flying, and he threw his wings away.
“Soon the boy became a young man and had many other things on his mind. He began to think about college, and about what he wanted to be. He spent a lot of time with his friends, and not very much time daydreaming. But he couldn’t forget his dream forever. Sometimes he would stop and look up at the birds gliding in the air, and just for a moment imagine how tiny he must look to them.
“Then it was time for the young man to go to college and learn about a career. His mother said he should be a doctor. His father said he should be an engineer. His friends said he should be an astronaut. But the young man looked at the sky and watched an airplane chasing the birds and he said ‘I’m going to become a pilot.’ And he did.”
My grandfather stopped and looked at us closely. “There’s a lot to be learned from this story about the boy and his dream. I want you to think about it. Now go out and play.”
So we all ran outside to play. The boys started buzzing around the yard with their arms outstretched like wings, while the girls sat by the house and watched the boys. And my grandfather sat on the porch, smiling and nodding his head.
A NURSING HOME RESIDENT
I was once a beautiful china doll. . .
I floated above the rest with the sun in my clothes. . .
And the swans flew by. . .
Handsome porcelain cream swans. . .
I fancied them and they fancied me. . .
And we looked grand together. . .
Then the white swan came. . .
He was so bright. . . so pure. . .
I wanted to touch him, to know he was real. . .
But he was of snow, and I was of sun. . .
And he floated away. . .
I don’t remember floating after that. . .
The sun left my clothes and I became a rag doll. . .
Where did all my porcelain swans go, you ask?
It doesn’t matter.
Take me to Bingo please.
Dream – Bob & Barbara had just gotten married, only Bob came from a different family this time, because I didn’t recognize any of the in-laws. One of his relatives was this gorgeous guy who somehow managed to be a geek at the same time (the power of dreams). They were having a pool party to celebrate and when I was swimming, this guy swam up & grabbed onto me. I swam in a circle under water w/him trailing along. When we surfaced (he still hung on around my neck) everyone was looking at us. They thought we liked each other, but the truth was that he was a poor swimmer and when I tried to ditch him by swimming under water, he started whining about not being able to hold on much longer. We really didn’t like each other very much. Anyway, the “adults” began talking amongst each other about the possibility of us getting together, and Barbara said that we could get married when she & Bob broke up. I told her that that would mean they would have to get divorced. In the end, we felt pressured into it, so we ended up engaged. At the ceremony, Barbara & Bob had to kiss before the judge (instead of pastor) to prove they weren’t blood-related. This was necessary to prove that this guy & I weren’t blood-related, either, & could therefore marry. Then it was our turn to stand before the judge. We were lightly shoved from opposite ends of the room to the bench. We stood there miserably listening to him talk until he said it was time for us to kiss. We decided that was enough & told everyone we didn’t really want to get married. So we didn’t. Then I went to Spain with a bunch of other people. I had a good time there w/ Marie Tere. Then we heard there was going to be a war & whoever wanted to return could. We watched most of the people from my group take off in the plane home. Only a few were left, including me, Marie Tere, and – surprisingly enough – Wes. We became good friends. Then I woke up.
Dream – Amy had convinced me & Debbie to go to this one bar where we wouldn’t be carded. She & Debbie went ahead. When I got there, Debbie was acting drunk. Amy told me she barely had anything to drink. Somehow I found out the police were coming, so I snuck out back where several people were. It was an open area w/a pile of junk in the middle. I recognized some of the guys; one of them was that gorgeous guy from lunch. We stared at each other. Then I grinned & he grinned back. (Really corny, but it’s just a dream). I think the police caught Amy & Debbie. They were going to come out & get us, when some of the guys (incl. Mr. Gorgeous) decided to blow up the junk pile as a diversion. When it blew, we all ran. Somehow I ended up on a packed touristy beach near a hotel. I ran to the hotel & got lost on one of the upper floors. Then some crazy guy tried to force me in his room. I started running from him instead of the police (whom I nearly forgot about by this time). I was running down the halls trying to remain unseen & thinking how stupid I was for getting into all of this just to go to a bar, when I woke up. It wasn’t a scary dream, just an exciting one.
Well, it didn’t work. I don’t remember the dream. Maybe next time. Tonight I’m going to see the play “Cyrano De Bergerac” w/Debbie & Maggie. Three days ago I went to see Suzanne Somers speak about her book Keeping Secrets. She’s a great speaker and a good actress, because she told of some things that would’ve put the best of us in tears without a waiver in her voice.
Dale, Nancy, & Jenny are visiting Mom’s tomorrow, so I’m going to go home to see them and to see my Senior Class Video for the first time. Then, next week some time, I’m going to see if I can get the family to come to the university and watch my home video from Spain for the first time.
________________________
SATURDAY
Striped flowers
Swaying foot
Empty box of chocolates
Crossword puzzles
Ticket stubs
What a lazy day!
After writing about each of my brothers and sisters, I feel like I have a special relationship – with its own special memories – with each of them. I’ve grown up with them, saw their weaknesses and strengths, just as they’ve seen me at my worst and my best. Of course, I’m not so naive that I don’t know we all have our secrets that we wouldn’t share with anyone, but I respect that just as I hope others will respect my secrecy. After all, our worst enemies have often been each other. But I will say this: Never have I had a friend that I’ve cherished more than my family. And there isn’t anything my family could do to make me stop loving them. Maybe someday, when I’ve made a terrible mistake, they’ll return the compliment.
(What a bunch of Bull! Disgusting! – date unknown)
So what else is there to write about? Dreams. I had a dream the other night that Susie & Addie Elko & her other friends had a super softball team, and that the guys – Bob, Jeff, etc. – were coaching it. They had some secret that made their team better than the others. One day, as they were playing and the guys were coaching, my cousin Jenny and I were standing on the side watching. As is typical in my dreams, I had the power to float. So Jenny & I began to float in the air by using our arms & legs to sort of “push” our way up. And as is also typical in my dreams, things would float by in the air. When we were above the game by about 20 feet, we saw beautiful swans slowly fly by. They were made of porcelain and glistened in the sun. Then more cream-colored swans went by, only these were made of something like marble. Finally, very slowly, one huge swan floated by. This one wasn’t alive like the others; it floated instead of flew. And this one was made entirely of snow. It passed within a foot of me, and I wanted to reach out and touch it, to prove that it was real, but I didn’t want to feel the freezing snow on my fingertips when it was such a warm day. So I let it float past, like all the other swans. And that’s all I can remember.
I’ve noticed that if I only get about 6 hours of sleep, my alarm will go off just at the tail end of a long and intriguing dream. The only problem is I haven’t figured out how to remember them afterwards. When I wake up, I remember them clearly for one fleeting second, then they are gone and all I have left to remember them by are the feelings they have stirred in me. And those feelings often haunt me for the rest of the day.
In an eighth grade religion journal I once wrote that dreams were like movies, only you got to be the star. I’ve always loved dreams. To me they were a sort of entertainment. I would control my dreams by thinking of something before I fell asleep. Then I would dream the same dream night after night if I wanted to. Rarely have I had a bad dream, and I don’t think I’ve ever had what you’d call a “real” nightmare. Tonight I’m going to try to remember my dream so that I can write it down in the morning. Good night!
Well, I went to Spain as I said I would. Many things happened. Now I’m a freshman at the university and am staying on the 4th floor of Hoover Hall, & my roommate is Amy Gundersen. She seems pretty nice. Debbie’s staying just down the hall from me w/Stephanie Mann. I’m getting on pretty well. I had no trouble moving in and got used to things instantly. By the way, Sarah’s got a little sister named Delilah Marie. Sarah adores her. Life is going well & dreams are coming true.
I am a loner. I actually prefer being alone. I work better when I’m alone, and I pray it’s not for me when the phone rings. I don’t know why this is, but it is. My best time is at night, because the house is so quiet I feel alone. Once when I had the house to myself for the weekend, I felt more energetic than I had in a long time. I did the dishes and cleaned the house some, but the most amazing part was that I cleaned Susie’s room. She had stuff piled nearly a foot high (honestly) with no floor showing. I sat in there for hours straight, happily working right up until they got home from Dolly’s. I love to read and think. But don’t misunderstand me; I also love my family and friends. Nearly every night I thank Jesus for them. I used to be the shyest kid around but, although I’m still a bit shy, now I have a much greater self-esteem. Once where I used to let anyone make fun of me, I now have a toughness that has kept me from being ridiculed for the longest time. I think people can sense I won’t take anything from anybody. I am what you might call a self-absorbed person. I know it’s a flaw, and it makes me feel guilty; but I tend to wear the attitude that the world revolves around me. I am a Jefferson High tutor, so the principal sent me a letter of appreciation. I laughed out loud when I read it, because it said that I had avoided the stereotype of today’s youth: lazy, irresponsible, and self-centered. Funny, but those are the exact words I use to describe myself. Of course, the principal couldn’t be expected to know that; after all, he wouldn’t recognize me if I wore my name in neon on a hat. Everyone was hoping tomorrow would be a snow day, so we could stay home from school. I hope against hope that it is, too, but I doubt it. By the way, you’ve probably noticed that I don’t use paragraphs. The simple reason is that it saves room. I like to use the whole line. I’m getting so tired my eyes are shut almost as much as they are open. You want to hear something amazing? I don’t quite understand it myself. I live in a time when everyone swears, especially high school kids. Yet I refuse to swear. I haven’t for years, and even then never intentionally. It might’ve just slipped out by accident once every few years. Even my mom swears all the time, even on Sunday. And here I am, feeling as though I’d be committing the worst sin possible if I said one bad word. I think maybe I was told something very terrible would happen if I swore – when I was a little kid – and it stuck in my subconscious. It’s getting closer to midnight, and I have school tomorrow. The other day I set a record for getting up late. I woke up, and ten minutes later was riding on the school bus. Somehow, in that time, I managed to get dressed, do my hair, get my candy bars together – as well as my books, – go to the bus stop, and head toward school, all in the span of 10 minutes. Not very wise. I usually have lengthy, interesting dreams with plots, and when morning comes I hate to cut them off. Because I know I won’t remember them later. It’s 8 minutes to midnight, so I’d better say good night. Good night!
It’s been over a year. I’m 18 years old. I have a little over a semester of school left before I graduate. In the summer I’ll spend 26 days in Spain. Then I’ll attend the university and study Elementary Education. I’ll become a grade-school teacher and marry sometime after graduation. I don’t know when yet because I haven’t met my fiancé yet, that I’m aware of. I would like to have kids and pets. I wonder if I will die before any of this happens. I’ll be flying to Spain, and the planes haven’t been working very well lately. They keep crashing or losing engines, sometimes both. All I ask is that I’m a good Christian when I do die. I definitely would not like to be put on a life-support system unless there’s a chance that someday I’ll be off it, or if God somehow suggests that I be put on one. Nurse is a very sick cat. Her gray hair is thin in spots, she has heavy dandruff (I hope that’s all it is), and she has hanging folds of fat. She is extremely old – 16 human years. She often throws up and never does more than walk slowly (unless she’s in grave danger). She usually sleeps in my room, but she has to stay out for a few days while I investigate why it smells like she pooped in here. I haven’t been doing so hot myself. Today was the first day back to school since Christmas vacation. I usually get to bed late and sleep during classes. Right now it’s 12:02 A.M. My room’s getting messy and I’m getting very lazy. I have to start doing housework. My muscles are becoming weak. I rarely do my homework at home. And there’s so much I have to do to prepare for Spain and college, I’m afraid I’ll be too ashamed of myself to marry. I haven’t been raised with the best habits and I’m not exactly pretty. On the other hand, I’m trying to do more things to improve my appearance, and hopefully I’ll remember this time to exercise, do my homework, and clean my room. I have to start acting like an adult. Barbara and Bob’s new baby is due the end of February, next month. They’re looking for a larger house than the one next door. Sarah was in her first Christmas program at their church. We (us kids) didn’t know until we were on our way to St. Bart’s for church. We all but made our mom go off on the highway and head for their church. As usual, she was adorable. We all have to be careful not to spoil her because almost everything she says is repeated and almost everything she does is talked about. Barbara and Bob were rather lucky they got such a well-behaved kid for their first child. She was never all that sloppy, and even though she does disobey sometimes and cries when things aren’t always the way she’d like them, she never was one of those terrible two-year-olds who got into everything and drove everyone crazy. She did color on the living room wall once, and got into my room while no one was looking; she smeared lipstick (“butter” she used to call it) all over her face and cut her finger with a razor blade. She once fell down the stairs almost from the top. She’s usually quiet around new people and when she’s in certain moods. She can stand there and stare at you silently as though she’s humoring you. Right now she’s really into London Bridges and Ring Around the Rosy. Mom and Debbie are becoming really concerned about Susie lately. I guess she’s been having nightmares. Debbie thinks she should see a psychiatrist but Mom can’t afford one. Joey gets violent all the time and Angie’s always sarcastically cruel to Joey. Sarah usually can’t come over because of the bad example we set. I always thank God for the family I have, but now that reality’s setting in, it gets depressing sometimes. I am so often thoughtless and self-centered, not thinking of others. I’m also what some would call a recluse. I stay at home almost all the time. I leave for school, babysitting, and every couple of weeks, shopping. I next to never go out with friends, or for social events. And the only person I regularly talk to on the phone is Michele, and usually she’s the one to call me. I’ve got to make some changes in my life, but once I start, it usually only lasts for a short while, then dies away. For example, a diary. Every so often, I say I’ll write in a diary. It’ll last for a few days, then I’ll forget and start a new one a few months later. Life is moving too fast. I’m no longer a carefree child, able to ignore important things. I no longer see myself, my family, my life, through just my eyes. I’m beginning to see it from the world’s. What used to be normal seems extremely abnormal and sometimes disgusting. All those times I’ve felt beautiful, yet people seemed to be humoring me. Now I know why. I probably seemed a very disillusioned child, one who should be protected. I wonder if I still am. I know I still am to some people. It’s now a quarter to one in the morning and with school and unfinished homework tomorrow, I’d better get to sleep. That’s another thing I never get right. Some nights I get as little as a few hours of sleep, and some nights I sleep on into nearly the afternoon. Very irregular. I can’t promise when I’ll write again, but maybe next time I won’t write so much.
-Jolie
By the way, I had a very nice Christmas, lots of great presents. I babysat all vacation, weekdays as well as weekends. I even babysat for the Rogers’ New Year’s Eve, but I called home at midnight to wish everyone a happy new year. I do hope it will be happy.
